Shame is a behavior that people display from the earliest ages of life, even when they are still babies. Many reasons have been suggested for why it exists.
It functions as a defense mechanism, but it also points to certain aspects of a person’s character. A child’s shame may simply be an expression of feelings that come from their innocent childhood shyness, whereas an adult’s shame can become something much more complex, fully developed, and even moral in nature. However, just like every behavior and every emotion, too much shyness can become a problem.
The Difference Between Healthy Shame and Limiting Shyness
A shy person sometimes avoids taking initiative in situations where they should, or they lose the opportunity to do so. They may want to meet someone, express themselves, or reveal their feelings, but they cannot. And afterward, they suffer internally because of it.
Or similarly, they retreat into themselves, hide in their shell, blush deeply, withdraw into a corner, and hold themselves back from letting their light shine or showing their abilities even to themselves. As a result, they miss opportunity after opportunity. You might say that perhaps the things considered “opportunities” for a person are not always truly opportunities.
Ultimately, in life one door may close and another may open. But that is not what is being discussed here. This is not about people who grab every opportunity that comes their way and make themselves shine there, whether they deserve it or not.
What is being discussed is a person finding their own path, taking steps toward realizing themselves in a way that fits their own abilities, their own essence, and their own character. And the first way to achieve this is, because we are social beings, to be able to show a little bit of yourself. We have used the word “self” many times, but that is important.
Because perhaps, on the path toward overcoming one’s ego and discovering one’s essence, a person must first understand themselves and make peace with themselves. The way to test this is through interactions with other people.
For example, someone who says, “I never get angry,” if they have spent their entire life surrounded only by people who always agree with them, who have never truly challenged them, then their real test is being placed together with people who do not suit them, who frustrate them, who anger them.
Then we see whether they actually become angry or not. The test is not simply whether they get angry; the test is understanding who they truly are.
If they genuinely do not get angry, then we can say their belief about themselves is accurate. But very rarely are such claims actually true.
Life, experiences, and this complicated world test people constantly, every moment. Perhaps shyness is a mechanism in the brain that allows people to avoid this process — to avoid confrontation, discovery, and the messy process of understanding themselves.
Although it may work in the short term, excessive shyness, as we said, unfortunately does not bring happiness to the person who carries it.
How Fear of Judgment Prevents Self-Expression and Growth
You may have noticed this in your own life. Perhaps you wanted to do something but held yourself back. When people think of shyness, they often imagine something like a young man approaching a young woman and confessing his feelings. But even in that situation, a person is expressing an opinion about themselves and communicating it to another person.
Perhaps the most serious consequences of shyness and withdrawing into oneself are avoiding expressing one’s own ideas.
This is also an important test. Because someone who believes they have good ideas may fall into the trap of solipsism — convincing themselves privately that their ideas are correct — and continue developing ideas that may not actually be good.
Just as an academic paper, after being written, is sent for review and revised many times, a person’s ideas about the world, about society, about everything that happens or does not happen, and even about their own imagined realities, must also be tested by others. Otherwise, solipsism becomes unavoidable.
In short: overcoming shyness is not easy.
I think in severe cases therapy is used, and in certain situations medication may also be used. But when I talk about expressing ideas, some of you following the path we are discussing may recognize this and say, “Yes, I have experienced this.”
Some people especially avoid sharing their thoughts about the truth they are pursuing, the path they follow, or the path they intend to follow. The fear of being judged plays a very large role.
Some people say they experience impostor syndrome. Some people think, “My ideas belong to me; I do not want to share them with others. I am happy this way.” But this is not entirely correct.
Because although some things should not be explained to people who will not understand them, and although certain things should not be shared with certain people, there are situations where people should share their ideas with others whom they see as equals and whom they believe can understand them.
And of course, forgive me for saying this, but they should allow themselves to spread some light around them.
Finding Your Voice: Sharing Ideas, Connecting With Others, and Becoming Yourself
One method I have seen that works is this:
If the idea you want to express is something completely personal — related only to your own inner experience, a specific situation, or a particular person — for example, returning to the earlier example of a young man confessing his feelings to a young woman — there is nothing wrong with expressing it while maintaining respect, dignity, and awareness of social balance.
Because you are at least as valuable as other people, and your thoughts matter.
Furthermore, if expressed properly, a positive and beautiful idea can make the other person happy, even if they do not feel the same way in return.
So the way you express yourself matters. The value you give yourself matters.
You should not believe that you are worthless. There is no need for shame there.
But more importantly, if you have ideas about deeper subjects — ideas, methods, or approaches you have developed on the path of searching for truth — remember that you were probably not the first person to discover them. And if you believe these ideas or methods have universal value, then you should not see yourself as their only source.
When this is the case, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Sharing these ideas multiplies them. And if you strongly believe your perspective is positive, then spreading these ideas can make this world a better, more livable, safer, and more enjoyable place — both for you and for those who share these ideas with you.
This does not mean you become attached to the world if you wish to avoid attachment. But it raises the level of your experience within it.
Just think about this: a meditation session you do while restless and unsettled will likely be less successful and take longer than one you begin after calming your mind and relaxing yourself.
That is what I mean.
The biological structure that connects us to this world, our perceptions, and our human nature paradoxically allow us to reach a result when we stop fighting against them — when we satisfy them within human limits, calm ourselves, face our fears, and first understand our own feelings and ideas, then express them to those we wish to share them with.
This is how we can rise above them.
So never become completely without shame.
Shame is a very important emotion in today’s world. Never reject it entirely.
But do not be ashamed of your own ideas, and do not be ashamed of expressing them.
Stay well.
